Forwarded for me...

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo.Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind opening and Enriching classes but was also notorious for the grad es he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades...)Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems, The highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn't teach at all...Calasanz got his A+. Read the paper below to find out why................................................


PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not justdependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It wasan astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, canthey have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at theother's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seemunable to even stay together, much less love each other?The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something tothe claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a badrelationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship tosucceed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a goodrelationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly inthe early stages.Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you seeyourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things bywhichrelationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to seebeyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people chooseto involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period ofsexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Othersdeny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each otherapart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because thepresence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps themfrom having any normal perception of what life would be like together.The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-timeFriends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get toknow each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see eachother at their worst and at their best. They share time together beforethey get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spellof your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it forother keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tellsyou how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expenseof others, then you have a healthy relationship to the word. Laughter isthe child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can alwayssurprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you canalways keep the world around you new.Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the mostintimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turnsour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tendsto turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and yourrelationship can become based on being critical together.After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a wayYou respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see theirrelationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. Theyfind each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power ofthe emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As therelationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, youwill inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others anddeals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more,your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respectthe way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two ofyou will not respect each other.Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We liveOn the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart! resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by themystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawnonly to the literal and the practical, you must take care that thedistance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feelingisolated and misunderstood.There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We allhave unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray andprivate commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fallin love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, orif you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growingfurther apart until you live in separate worlds where you share thebusiness of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives anddreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurtsand daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfiedwith their mates.So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a Partnerwith whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can takeplace in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of amiracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle inmarriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the mostcommon events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomesthe butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We neverquestion these, because we see them around us every day. To us they arenot miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossibleto believe.Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is plantedlike a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flowerthat will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If youhave chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation ina marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrifiedof the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It neveroccurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love intoharshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility thatthe first heat of love could be transformed into something positive thatwas actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion.All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear thatwhen it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead ofdeath by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love.Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence,two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of lifethat passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, asI had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension andthere are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life,from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choicecontains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow morefruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that italone contains.But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened bythe knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of sharedcompany, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment thatdeepens that experience into something richer and more complex.So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for thewrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the powerof transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have foundsomeone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith thatyou can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and thepartner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace thecycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready toseek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easygrace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes,a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.