I'm not so sure but this year's Christmas seems to be the most depressing one for me. I just started my work as a Tier 2 just last week, and technically, this is my 1st week working as one. I should be happy right? Think again...
I just had a conversation with Gap two days ago about my promotion. To tell you the truth, I've been wanting to talk to her... I badly needed her sisterly advice... I want her second opinions about the crucial decisions I made in my life. I badly needed someone I can talk to about work... and she's the only I know who could understand me. I was planning to do that during the our Baguio trip, but I was not able to talk to her, have a one-on-one session with her because there was a "tampuhan" that happened between her and Nelson and Kim. And so, I just kept things to myself. I may look excited outside, but the truth is, inside me there's a lot of fears... there's a lot of hesitation... in my mind, there's the thought of backing out, of resigning, of leaving all these things behind simply because I was scared. Funny, I thought I'm ready to leave my comfort zone, but the truth is... I am not. It's the reason why I was happy when Sir Darwin informed me I am not going to Ohio, because I know for myself I am not ready.
I was scared of the sudden changes that's happening to me. It was overwhelming. It was something unexpected. I was excited. But... I was scared...
Being the perfectionist that I am, I don't want to make mistakes. There's no room for mistakes for me. Even if I did, I don't want to make the same mistakes as I did before. Work has been stressing me out, because I was "obsessing" with the thought that I will mess up. And most of all... it seems that I didn't belong here. Well, that is until last night when I joined the team on their lunch out last night. They seem so close and the guys are not that bad... Suddenly, I want to be here... I want to stay here... I want to learn and strive to be the best
I forgot the reasons why I chose this path - it's because I wanted to learn more. It's because I know being a Tier 2 can make me grow as a person. I forgot why I was chosen to be one - because they know I can handle thing. As my mantra goes, God will not give me something that I know I can never handle. I handled my account, I cried blood and tears, till everything is OK. This is a big challenge for me, the one opprotunity I should not let pass by. I know I can do this... as long as I have trust in myself.
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OK, enough of work.
It's been months, and still, my mom and my uncle is still not talking. I should be happy right? I hated the man to the bones... but somehow it's a sad thing. We are a family. Whatever it is that he have done to me, I have forgiven him even if he didn't say sorry. Christmas is suppose to be a time for families, but it just seems it's just me and my mom now.
When grandma's still a live, Christmas and New Year are days that I look forward to. I get to see my cousins, my aunt and my uncles, I get to talk to my relatives abroad, we eat together the Noche Buena that my mom and my aunt prepared...
Then...
Everything changed on the year my grandma died. Everyone was all about who gets the right to the house. Everyone is against each other. Everyone hated my mom, trying to bring us down... It was the most chaotic part of my life. It's the one thing I wanted to forget.
Would it be too much to ask us to be a family once again?
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I am thankful for my friends...
I am thankful my wifeys are there for me...
I got Josche's offline message a while ago, trying to cheer me up. Lately I've been really really down. It's because I can't understand myself anymore, and I can't understand why these things have been happening to me. They are the people who distracts me from my problems (in a good way), who laughs with me, cheers for me, who stood up for me...
I'm glad I met these girls...
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2008 was the best year for me since I met those people who understood me, who became my second family. 2008 is the best for me because my wish came tru - I saw Chun, I saw Calvin, I got in an IT company, I got promoted. I am hopeful 2009 will be a greater year for me.
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I am slowly seeing the light..
Somehow, there is Merry in Christmas this year. I just have to be more optimistic.
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