I'm scared...

I'm scared...

Because if there's one thing I fear most in life, is that I lose one of my important senses. I fear that I will become a useless person if I did. I don't want to be blind, nor deaf, nor mute. I would rather be numb for the rest of my life, or have the inability to smell. But I'm not ready to be blind, deaf or mute.

I need my eyes so that I can see my surroundings. I need my ears to hear the music and to listen better. I need my mouth so that I can communicate with other people. I guess all of us needs these parts of our body, but isn't it ironic that we tend to neglect these important parts? We abuse our eyes by staying all night in front of a TV or a computer. We abuse our ears by playing loud music on our mp3 players. We abuse our voice by shouting and by saying cuss words.

Why am I saying this?

It's because there is a possibility that I'm going to be deaf soon.

I have an ear infection in my left ear, and according to the doctor, it's already perforated. My right ear is swollen inside. The doctor told me that I should see a specialist so that my left ear can be saved. Then I asked her, is there a possibility that I'm going to be deaf? She said yes.

When she told me that, I was fighting the urge to cry. I am not a musician, but I am a person that appreciates music. I can't live with silence, that I know. There are sounds in this world that I love, which I know I won't be able to hear anymore when I become deaf.

I might not be able to hear his voice again.
I might not be able to hear my friend's laughter again.
I might not be able to hear her soft sobs again.
I might not be able to hear those familiar music.

These thoughts have been hunting me till I got to sleep early this morning. All possible things that will happen when I become deaf. I've been asking myself, what will happen to me? Will I be able to keep my job, despite my handicap? And most of all, my mom... I'm worried about her. I know I've been a burden for her for years, and it was only this time that I was able to make it up to her, and in the end she have to take care of me.

I'm scared...
I really am...

I know God has a purpose why He gave this kind of condition to me. And I'm yet to see why. I know He will never give me something that I would not be able to handle. Maybe this is just a test of my faith in Him.

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Dear God,

I'm leaving everything up to You. You know what's the best for me.

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I promise to be a better listener if I get through this...