First of all, let me explain why I do this chronicle. In a few month's time... I'll be turning 25. I dread that day that I'll be growing old again. I want to capture my thoughts as I turn that big 25... and maybe until I turn 30.
So... to answer the question, why am I feeling this way? Well, the truth is, Like Lae, I am questioning my purpose in life. What the hell am I doing this world? Why am I alive? There have been a lot of questions in my mind for the past 25 years that was left unanswered. I'm starting to think my life is going nowhere, even though I plan everything, including my plans. It's like I'm stuck in this box... and I want to get out... and the problem is, I'm having thought getting out because of the comfort it gives me. There are a lot of things I wanted to do, but just can't because... I don't know... I just don't want to disappoint a lot of people, especially my mom. I'm just scared to make the move because I know I would only regret it.. I would just disappoint myself... and most of all, I would only hurt myself.
Funny, because one of my New Year's resolution is that I'll be taking risks this year. Done that... during the first half of the year. I resigned from my previous work and joined another company, I've made new friends, found people whom I considered my second family, saw the guy I look up to, and the likes. Yep. I've done that... but I'm still not satisfied. I am happy, yes... but that happiness sometimes ends in loneliness and regrets... with a lot of what-if's on the side. Maybe what I am searching for is a long-term happiness. Something that would keep me smiling for the rest of my life...
Somehow, it's tiring to live in fantasy world. There are times I wish I would not wake up from a beautiful dream, so that I could escape the reality of my lonely life. It's too tiring to be me... because the me that you all know hids a lot of loneliness and heartaches inside. I have a lot of angst inside. It's like I'm going to blow anytime... It's too tiring to feel insecure, to feel unloved, to feel alone, to feel unconfident about little things, to be uncertain. It's like nobody has to do with me and nobody wanted me. I am like a living wallpaper before. Yes, you see me as a jolly girl who always smiles and makes all people around her laugh... but believe, there's something behind those smiles.
There's nothing I won't to do to finally find that happiness that I've been longing for... but I know the road to happiness is not that easy. But I'm trying to get there... I really am.
Would you forgive me if sometimes, I would get tired of this fucked up life of mine? Maybe it's not a sin to be exhausted from everything... and I admit I am right now... I am on the verge of giving up and being insane, but I am trying my best to hold on even to the littlest hope.
One day, this chronicle will end. Till when? I don't know... and I don't have the answer. I hope when I end this chronicle, it will be happy one, just like in fairy tales.
As for now, I will continue writing what's in my thoughts, what's in my heart, what I really feel. Because writing it down save me from being a lunatic person. Believe me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment